Tuesday, June 28, 2011
My Jar of Bloody Hearts.....
“You can’t undo anything you’ve already done, but you can face up to it, seek forgiveness and let God do the rest.” Anonymous
Someone once told me that you can never find yourself until you face the truth. So here are my confessions. Although I have allowed myself to be the victim in many situations, the truth is I have also been the perpetrator. The sad reality is I used to be beast, insensitive, heartless and uncaring about the feelings of others, until I met my match and was stopped cold in my tracks. It really is true that you reap what you sow. Everything happens for a reason and experiencing heartache made me come face to face with the fact that I too had been reckless and thoughtless in matters of the heart. Although I may never speak to these gentlemen again, I still feel the need to reconcile things:
To My Athlete: Although we were very young, you loved me in the most gentle and caring way and I didn’t appreciate it. I took your kindness for weakness and used you as my trophy for the entire world to see. Always there for me no matter how callous and selfish I was. You were PERFECT and I didn’t even see your worth because everything was all about me. When I finally realized that you were the guy that I heard about in all the best love songs, you had moved on. The love you once had for me, bitter and rotten, shriveled beyond recognition, irretrievably broken and dead. Even though it is my loss, I am glad that you found that special someone who has given you all the things that you deserve. I apologize sincerely and know that it may be a non-factor to you.
To the Ex-Bestie: Things could have been so much better if I had only had the courage to tell you that I didn’t love you, the way you loved me. I lost the best friend I ever had because in my selfishness I cross the boundaries, forever marring the innocence of our friendship. Although I haven’t talked to you in years, even now I know you would forgive me in a heartbeat, because that’s the kind of honor and integrity you have. Faithful, loyal and true blue. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about our friendship and how good you were to me. There is no doubt in my mind that you are the man that you have always strived to be. Please forgive me for my thoughtlessness, and selfishness. I really do know better now.
To the Engineer: SMH, I treated you so bad, when all you wanted to do was love me and I took you for granted. Words cannot express how sorry I am for the heartbreak I caused you. At the time, I didn’t think I was wrong, but I in fact was doing major damage. I apologize for stringing you along for all that time, and keeping you there for my convenience. Instead of being brave enough to endure things on my own. Although I told myself it was a mutually beneficial relationship, the truth is I used you to distract me and you did not deserve that. I wonder all the time if you have yet forgiven me for what I did. The last time we spoke, I knew you were done with me and in my arrogance, I really didn’t even care. When my heart was bleeding and I realized I was only reaping what I sowed, I tried calling you a thousand times to try and make things right. I hope eventually you can and will find it in your heart to forgive me.
Women too have the power to hurt. We need to look in the mirror and face our truth. How many broken and bloody hearts have you collected? The law of reciprocity assures that you will reap what you have sowed. I too have stolen power, manipulated, deceived and played games. I thank God everyday that I am not the same person. In my quest to live my truth I seek redemption and liberation. It is my prayer that these magnificent men aren’t making a good woman pay for the mistakes I made.
--Lioness in Waiting