A Story From The Pages of Our Lives--By: "Lola"

 This is a testimony from one of our loyal readers. She asked me to post this as apart of he delivery. Please leave words of encouragement and love! Thanks for the support!

I will never forget the day. It was Fatherʼs Day weekend and I was still grieving the loss
of my parents, but was hiding behind the pretense of being helper/savior to my best
Friend and God Daughters, who had suffered their own tragic loss. Feeling lonely and
trying to find my way in life as a 24 year old. My friend was newly engaged and the girls
seemed to be doing much better. So here I was feeling down and depressed because it
was Fatherʼs Day weekend AND my birthday, I had nothing to do and no one to
celebrate with. Every one was busy or just didnʼt take birthdays as seriously as I did at
the time. So I decided to take a drive to clear my head and ending up at the Rainbow
City Flea Market. A place for trendy fashions accessories, local hood delicacies and
vultures preying on young ladies with kind hearts. Excited that I had found my favorite
hair care products,vI was walking out the door with a big smile on my face and then I
heard a voice. “Come here sexy! Over here Mami!” (red flag!) I looked up to see this
fine guy decked out in baggy jeans, gold chain and head scarf (red flag!) I really wanted
the attention so I ignored the warning signs and turned around. He looked like the
typical bad boy and modern day thug. Definitely not the type interested in a shy, chubby
bookworm. I decided to throw caution to the wind and live in the moment for a change. I
was tired of following all the rules, doing the right things and being Ms. Goody Two
Shoes. By the time I left he had my phone number, home address and my permission
to stop by so we could get to know each other a little better. I was so flattered when I
learned he was a former NFL football star and we would spend hours talking about all
his game highlights, his close friendship with local celebrities and national rap stars.
Before I knew it, I was hanging out at all the local hotspots and rubbing elbows with his
celebrity friends.I found myself staying out all night, dressing and acting out of
character, missing and calling in late for work. I was in total awe of my new lifestyle.
Never mind that all of his great moments was in the past and he was essentially
unemployed. I mean after all he was working on a “major record deal”. Forget the fact
that after a few weeks, more and more bags started showing up at my apartment and
he was practically staying over every night. Although I was enjoying every minute of it,
deep down inside I knew something wasnʼt right, I felt powerless and spellbound. Before
long tragedy struck. My God daughter told me he tried to kiss her! Of course he denied
it and said she had a crush on it. But I knew better! I was pissed and I came to my
senses and accepted the fact that he was a user, liar, a cheater and a worthless
asshole looking for the easy way out, living off of his glory days and failed attempts at
the NFL. I broke it off and after a couple of months I was finally beginning to feel like
my old self. One night I was sitting at my computer writing and I heard a tap on my glass
sliding door. I looked up and there he was smiling and asking me if we could we talk. I
told him there was nothing to talk about, but he starting getting loud. Against my better
judgement, I let him in because I didnʼt want him to cause a scene. He closed the blinds
and threw me on the floor. He pinned me down and began to violently rape me!! Saying
and doing the most horrible and degrading things to me. It was the most terrifying
experience of my life and until today I have never shared it with anyone except my
husband. I kept it a secret out of shame and humiliation. I told myself I deserved it
because I knew better and because of the horrible attempt he made to my loved one. I
felt like no one would believe me or even care for that matter. I wanted to die, because
although I knew he was trouble from the beginning, I chose to live in the moment. For
five years it has been this deep dark secret that I have kept inside myself. Today I
chose to be free! I am no longer willing to be a hostage to a wrong that is not mine.
God has been so good to me!! Mine is a story of survival, healing and redemption.
Thanks to Godʼs Grace and Mercy I am now in a happy and healthy relationship. Please
donʼt make the same mistakes I did. Trust your instincts and the God in you.
Sometimes we have to follow our head instead of our heart. Giving your power and
yourself to unworthy people is not worth the heartache and anguish you will suffer.
When I think about the fact that my God daughter could have been hurt, it tears me up
inside. Trust God, He will send you everything and the one you need in HIS time.

“Our Power is in our ability to decide.” Jill Welsh

                                        
I remember the first time I fell in love. That excitement and anticipation, every thought
consumed with him, even in my dreams. At the time I was seventeen, idealistic,
optimistic and totally vulnerable. Willing to make any sacrifice, sleep, school, friendships
and my motherʼs disapproval, just to make him smile. At the time I though he was
Romeo and I was Juliet. So I willingly gave him my power and I believed everything he
said about me. It was if I didnʼt even exist prior to knowing him. I became a chameleon,
changing in an instant ready to satisfy his every whim. I now realize it was a recipe for
disaster. And of course I got my heart broken, my spirit crushed and it changed me
forever. It stole my innocence, my softness, my belief in fairytales and my willingness to
ever love with that much abandon. In retrospect, I now know that I was as much to
blame if not more than he was. It was unfair of me to allow someone else to have that
much power over me and expect him to be able to nurture and care for it. After all he
was only human, flawed and imperfect, just as I was. The blame is mine for not realizing
how valuable I really was. For not setting the standard for how I wanted to be treated
and for not drawing the line in the sand. When things didnʼt work out I thought I was
going to die.. but of course I lived. I emerged stronger, wiser and independent. I vowed
to never allow anyone else to treat me badly, take my feelings for granted and having
control over me. It took that heartbreak to teach me how to set the standard, define my
morals and own my power. That heartbreak taught me that I had a voice and no one
else no matter how much they say they love you is going to take care of me better than
me. I learned that it was up to me to determine my worth. It doesnʼt matter how cute,fine, popular or rich he is. The bottom line is if he doesnʼt value you or respect you he is not going to be capable of loving you. And as quiet as itʼs kept, love is not enough!

--Lesson from a Lioness

My Jar of Bloody Hearts.....

                                                       
“You can’t undo anything you’ve already done, but you can face up to it, seek forgiveness and let God do the rest.”  Anonymous

Someone once told me that you can never find yourself until you face the truth. So here are my confessions.   Although I have allowed myself to be the victim in many situations, the truth is I have also been the perpetrator.  The sad reality is I used to be beast, insensitive, heartless and uncaring about the feelings of others, until I met my match and was stopped cold in my tracks. It really is true that you reap what you sow. Everything happens for a reason and experiencing heartache made me come face to face with the fact that I too had been reckless and thoughtless in matters of the heart.  Although I may never speak to these gentlemen again, I still feel the need to reconcile things:

To My Athlete: Although we were very young, you loved me in the most gentle and caring way and I didn’t appreciate it. I took your kindness for weakness and used you as my trophy for the entire world to see. Always there for me no matter how callous and selfish I was.  You were PERFECT and I didn’t even see your worth because everything was all about me.  When I finally realized that you were the guy that I heard about in all the best love songs, you had moved on. The love you once had for me, bitter and rotten, shriveled beyond recognition, irretrievably broken and dead.    Even though it is my loss, I am glad that you found that special someone who has given you all the things that you deserve. I apologize sincerely and know that it may be a non-factor to you.

To the Ex-Bestie:  Things could have been so much better if I had only had the courage to tell you that I didn’t love you, the way you loved me. I lost the best friend I ever had because in my selfishness I cross the boundaries, forever marring the innocence of our friendship. Although I haven’t talked to you in years, even now I know you would forgive me in a heartbeat, because that’s the kind of honor and integrity you have.  Faithful, loyal and true blue. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about our friendship and how good you were to me. There is no doubt in my mind that you are the man that you have always strived to be. Please forgive me for my thoughtlessness, and selfishness. I really do know better now.

To the Engineer: SMH, I treated you  so bad, when all you wanted to do was love me and I took you for granted.  Words cannot express how sorry I am for the heartbreak I caused you. At the time, I didn’t think I was wrong, but I in fact was doing major damage. I apologize for stringing you along for all that time, and keeping you there for my convenience. Instead of being brave enough to endure things on my own. Although I told myself it was a mutually beneficial relationship, the truth is I used you to distract me and you did not deserve that.  I wonder all the time if you have yet forgiven me for what I did. The last time we spoke, I knew you were done with me and in my arrogance, I really didn’t even care. When my heart was bleeding and I realized I was only  reaping what I sowed, I tried calling you a thousand times to try and make things right.  I hope eventually you can and will find it in your heart to forgive me.

Women too have the power to hurt.  We need to look in the mirror and face our truth. How many broken and bloody hearts have you collected?  The law of reciprocity assures that you will reap what you have sowed.    I too have stolen power, manipulated, deceived and played games. I thank God everyday that I am not the same person.  In my quest to live my truth I seek redemption and liberation. It is my prayer that these magnificent men aren’t making a good woman pay for the mistakes I made.

--Lioness in Waiting

No One Man Can Have All My Power

                                                        
“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they donʼt have any.” Alice Walker

It was a beautiful day and I was looking forward to just relaxing and getting some much needed rest and then out of the blue the phone rings and one conversation changed everything. I hung up and all of a sudden it hit me that once again I had let him steal my joy and my peace. We have all met that someone special where just the sound of his voice, his presence or a gesture makes you weak. I am sure it is not a unique story; you meet someone, fall in love and make him or her the center of your universe. Before you know it you realize that you have willingly gift-wrapped all your power and dignity into a lovely package and handed it over to someone else. In an ideal world, he loves you back and values you and your trust and handles it with tender loving care. Unfortunately that is not my story and my experience. I had to learn the hard way that most people canʼt handle that much power and ultimately I was trying to take the easy way out. If I gave them my power then that means I don’t have to be responsible for anything. My happiness and my well-being becomes someone else responsibility and all I have to do is wait on them to make it happen.

The journey to owing my own power and taking responsibility for my own happiness has been a painful one, It is a trail littered with lies, deception, denial and bloody hearts (both mine and others). My unwillingness to take responsibility for my happiness have led me to some abusive, controlling and even dangerous situations. Unfortunately as much as I would love to blame my disappointment and suffering on someone else, it is ultimately my responsibility. In order for me to take possession of my power, I have had to face some brutal truths. The most difficult being that I am responsible for my own happiness. DAMN, why canʼt
someone else do it? The truth is we canʼt experience true happiness until we are happy with ourselves. I have had to accept the fact that no one else can solve my problems for me. It is my responsibility to deal with and work my way through my own stuff. In order for me to own my power, I have had to be honest about the fact that although there may be situations in which I am powerless (I canʼt control other people thoughts, actions or behavior). BUT I am not trapped in any situation. I have the right to remove myself from any situation I am unhappy with. I DO NOT have to stay anywhere I am unhappy. I am NOT helpless. And I have the right to take care of MYSELF in any circumstance with any person. I have the right to do what is BEST for me!!

--Lioness in Waiting

What Would You Do Friday?

He had big brown eyes, mocha skin and an infectious smile. He had his own money, transportation and a house! He took me shopping, bought me breakfast, lunch and dinner and filled my car up without asking anything in return! I called him Mr. Right! Although he was a little clingy and sometimes said crazy things, he was a lot of fun! We had deep conversations and he wasn’t afraid to show his feelings. (I love a man who isn’t afraid to let a woman see him cry). I kept asking myself, “Does this guy ever do anything wrong?” I even let him meet my mother and after one conversation she said, “He has issues, you need to leave him alone.” (What does she know, she says that about everybody I bring home.) After a month or so I realized that I really wasn’t that interested in him, and as much as I wanted to prove my Mother wrong, I decided to do the right thing and let him know that I’d rather be friends. I tried telling him on the phone but he acted as if he didn’t hear me. I sent him a long text and he ignored it. I tried ignoring his phone calls but that didn’t work either. I figured if I told him in person he would finally understand, so I told him to meet me at a nicely lit store with lots of people around. He agreed and as I was shopping I told him, “You’re a nice guy, I enjoy your company, but I’m just really not interested in a relationship right now” and what happened next I was totally unprepared for.!! He dropped to his knees, holding my waist in what felt like a head lock!! He looked up at me and started CRYING in the middle of the store in front of everybody!!! I was mortified! As people walked by looking at me, I discreetly begged him to get off the floor and stop crying. People were walking by looking at us like we were crazy as hell! The guy at the register asked if everything was all right, I quickly responded “Yes” with a forced smile on my face. Mr. Right yelled” NO, everything is not alright, I wanna be with you!!!” I was shocked; all of a sudden Mr. Right did not feel so right anymore! I was in the middle of the store with a grown ass man hanging onto my leg, sobbing….....

Please post all comments below. Your feedback and support is greatly appreciated. SN: Fellas please put your self in the situation. We would love some male perspectives.

Stories From The Pages of Our Lives: A Tragic Fairytale

Happy Thursday Everyone! One of our loyal reader's has decided to give her testimony, which touches on the week's topic. Read and learn......

Blinded by his big brown eyes, bright smile & church boy ways. I knew what he was capable of, but his words got to me. He was very affectionate & loving, he listened to my problems. I was in a rough place in my life, and he was there when I had no one else. My mother didn't like me dating him, saying " The pastor took him in for a reason, something is wrong." But her words only pushed me to him even more. He loved me dangerously, literally. He never let me out his sight from day one. At first it was flattering, after a while it became scary, but I didn't know how to walk away from him, I couldn't because he needed me. He had been through so much in his life; from no father, mother on drugs, he definitely came with a lot of baggage, but the feeling that we both needed each other felt good. But ANY man with emotional baggage from his childhood is not a safe man. A few months went by, and he became extremely controlling & jealous. He made up rules that I had to follow:
Rule #1: no talking to any boys after 9 o'clock
Rule #2: no keeping in contact with an ex boyfriend
Rule #3: do what I say!
Rule #4,5,6.......
One night I slipped up and sent him a text after 9 o'clock saying "Goodnight Dorian"..........and Dorian is NOT his name. That night I received hell, I had never been talked to like that in my life, sad thing is that he had me feeling bad & apologizing like I did something wrong, like I had betrayed him. A few more months went by, and I slowly started to come to my senses, I tried to break up with him but he wouldn't let me leave. He called, begged & cried, but that was just the beginning, that's when shit got real. That one phone call changed my life. He called me one day after school, and he was shaking something in the phone to where I could here. He asked, " Do you hear that? It's a bottle of blue pills!!! If you leave me I swear ima take the whole bottle right now!!!" He threatened to come to my school the next morning and look for me, to go off on my mom who he felt was the reason for me leaving, he threatened to come to the game that night and fight who ever he had to. He called me a bitch and said I was trying to make him look stupid. I have never feared a person in my life, and I ONLY fear God, but that moment I was terrified of him and what he would do to me. I walked into the school the next morning constantly looking over my shoulder, running straight to my class. I was paranoid!! I decided to go to the counselor at my school & let them know he threatened to come to the school and find me. The quickly made a trespassing warrant so he can't come within so many feet of the school. But it didn't stop there, a few days later, I was in the car with a friend on our way home from school, we were at the stop light right outside of my school and I received a text..........Text: "I see you..." .........One of the first things he said to me when we first met was "I am CRAZY about you." He indeed was crazy. With that being said, when people show you who they are the first time, believe them. And remember Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) Love should NEVER hurt, so don't let it.

--Imani

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them” Maya Angelou

Often time we linger in toxic relationships far too long, simply because we don’t want to accept the truth about who that person really is. We tell ourselves lies, make excuses and believe that we are so special that we can really change them! And so we stay for another round of hurt and heartbreak. And we pretend not to know the truth. We ignore the truth because, we don’t want to be lonely, we don’t want to be hurt and we just want to be loved. And therein lies the problem, because chances are, we are STILL lonely, we are ALREADY hurt and we are definitely NOT being loved!  So why not just face the truth?

If he cheats once he will do it again, he is NOT a FAITHFUL man.
If he hits you, he is ABUSIVE.
If he calls you names, he is DISRESPECTFUL.
If it’s always all about him, he is SELFISH!
If he doesn’t care about your feelings, he is INSENSITIVE!

The bottom line is, you can choose to stay, hoping and praying he will change OR decide the FIRST time that you really are not interested in an unfaithful, abusive, disrespectful, selfish, insensitive man. Exercise your power to leave, with your dignity, feelings and heart intact, saving it for that someone special who knows how to treat you like the jewel you truly are!! The Bible says when a Man finds a Mate (wife) He finds a good thing. So you know what that means?  YOU ARE THE PRIZE!

PS!!! Just for the record, this same situation can be the other way around, just change he to she! I have seen some of the ladies take total advantage of a good man!

Lessons From the Lioness!

The No Go List!!

                                                       




-If you been dating your guy for three weeks now and all he wants to do is come over and NEVER offers to take you out, he just wants to hunch ladies…he’s a no go!
-When your guy says his car is in the shop and three months later he’s saying the same shit, nine times out of ten ladies there is NO CAR! You will be the primary chauffer; picking and dropping his ass off everywhere…he’s a no go!
-When your guy says,  “you remind me of a girl I once knew” he’s a no go!
-When your guy refers to women as “bitches” and “hoes” he’s a no go!
-When your guy is ALWAYS on facebook, ladies he’s a no go! You want a man to be able to tell you how he feels to your face, not to the whole world through a damn status!
-If your guy’s car is filled with suitcases and duffle bags ALL THE TIME, he’s not a “frequent traveler”, he’s a house hopper ladies! Your house is one of the many houses he stays at. He has NO PLACE! Therefore he’s a no go!
-When your guy has dumb ass tattoos like money signs, tear drops, or ice cream cones, trust me its not what you want ladies, he’s a no go!
-If your guy gets money on Friday and it’s gone by Wednesday…he’s a broke ass and he doesn’t know how to manage his money, he’s a no go ladies!
-If a man doesn’t want to hold your hand in public he’s a no go!
- When you go out with your guy and you think he’s looking at every girl on the block HE IS LADIES! He’s a no go!







---Lioness in Training

When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them--Maya Angelou

One of my favorite movies as a child was the Wizard of Oz. At the time the Tin Man was my favorite character, not only was being silver cool but he actually rusted when he cried!  As an adult, I envy the fact that he has no heart and thus no feelings! Now that sounds like a good plan to me since I always seem to get blindsided by my feelings and allow my emotions to cloud my judgment. When it comes to love, I find myself making excuses, ignoring warning signs and going full speed ahead.  I keep singing the same ole song, “I Just Don’t Wanna Be Lonely.” And so I pretend not to know and tell myself some more lies. After all I don’t have to look at something   that’s not even there.
I become very comfortable with my ignorance and bury my head in the sand hoping that somehow magically things will change and I will wake up like sleeping beauty and live happily ever after. Eventually the battle between my heart and mind becomes quite violent, and the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving. After much heartache and many tears, I have to face the fact that he is who he said he was the first time. The first time he stood me up. The first time he cheated. The first time he called me cruel names. The first time he made me feel that I wasn’t valued and the first time he decided that I wasn’t enough.

--Lioness In Waiting

What Would You Do Friday

He was there for me during the time I needed someone the most. I had just gotten out of a crazy relationship and I wanted someone to take my mind off of it all. He was thoughtful, compassionate and romantic. Just what I needed after all the HELL I had been through. I had only been single for a week, but who cares, he was perfect. He was what God sent to me. It didn’t matter that I had felt the same way about the guy before him.  I was hurt and anxious to move on. (Next!)  He took me shopping. Had flowers delivered to my job, took me on trips and spoiled me rotten. I wasn’t too concerned about the fact that he moved from job to job, because he always made me feel special. After six months and four jobs, I was a little apprehensive BUT, he came home every night, he wasn’t ALWAYS hanging out with his boys and he answered all my calls.  He did get a lot of unknown phone calls, which he didn’t answer in front of me.  (but hey, he was just trying to be polite).

A year into the relationship we were still on the honeymoon. His phone ranged while he was in the shower and he told me to answer it (even more confirmation that he was perfect!) I answered it and it was his mother. She was furious! After learning he was in the shower, she very bluntly told me I needed to run like hell. For the next five minutes she proceeded to tell me how he had taken out $40,000 worth of student loans in her name (without her permission), stole her credit card and his landlord was threatening to put him out because he was six months behind on his rent! Just as she was hanging up, he walked into the room, smiling and smelling so good…

                                                               WHAT WOULD YOU DO??

 Please post all comments below. Your feedback and support is greatly appreciated. SN: Fellas please put your self in the situation. We would love some male perspectives.

LIfe in Five Chapters by Portia Nelson

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

Lesson from the Lioness

                                                  
“Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13. NLT)


As the mother of four daughters, I have watched every one of them struggle in relationships and flounder in pursuit of love. (Not to mention my own disasters over the years). As a result, experiencing emotional, mental and regrettably, even physical abuse.  In almost every situation I could have told them exactly how the story was going to end.  Of course neither one of them were willing to listen at the time, so I had to stand by helpless as they willingly walked off the cliff.  I can’t begin to explain the heartache a Mother feels when her child is in pain, even if it is self-inflicted.  Although I realize that some lessons must be learned independently, I really believe that there are some things that could have been learned in the “den” to prepare them for this massive undertaking.


I find it ironic that of all the things that God gave us, He says “love is the greatest.”   Yet it is the one thing we struggle the most with.  Even in the Garden of Eden, literally Paradise, with only two people present, humankind still managed to distort it. Granted love is very complex and you can’t really teach someone to love, BUT, can’t we teach some basic fundamentals and principles about love?  For example my Mother taught me how to cook and clean, iron clothes and sew on a button. My teachers taught me how to read and write and be organized.  But no one taught me;


1   That it is impossible to love anyone else until you learn to love yourself. (Because when you really love yourself you will accept nothing less than love from someone else.)


2. How to recognize my own worth and power and no matter what, you should never GIVE your power to someone else. (If you do you are only setting yourself up to be a victim)


3. Never give someone else the responsibility of making you happy (People are not perfect, they are bond to disappoint and/or hurt you sooner or later).  Your happiness is your own responsibility.


4. Don’t LINGER, when people show you who they are believe them the first time (Thanks Maya Angelou) don’t hang around waiting for them to change because they will NOT.


5. That no one can hurt you without your Permission. (Thanks Gandhi!)

Imagine how much heartbreak and pain I could have avoided if I walked away the first time someone was reckless with my heart, if I knew that it was ok for me to love myself more that I loved “him”,  if I took responsibility for my own happiness instead of waiting around for “him” to dazzle/disappoint me, if I used my power to live my dreams and do what was best for me, if I knew that I was more valuable than diamonds or pearls and if I simply decided that  nope, sorry you DON”T have my permission to break my heart, disrespect or control me!  Deuces!

--The Lioness

Men NEED Warning Signs!!!

It’s the same ole stuff, just a different day.  I ask myself, “How did you get here? What were you thinking? And where did you go?”  Searching for love has taken me to some strange places.  It takes a minute for me to come to my senses, and it hurts like hell to find my way back.   And when I finally find my way back and things start to make sense again I find myself in the same situation with another man.         

Of course for me it takes a long minute because for some reason I have also been cursed with the Robin Hood Complex or in my case Robin Hoodisha. You know, the one always trying to save someone or change someone.

Why do I continue this vicious cycle?   I’ve had my share of relationships, beginning in elementary school (ok it was puppy love), some were good for awhile. But the sad truth is the majority of them were just plain whack! My last two relationships has been life changing. I have learned at least two lessons that my Mother has tried to teach me (actually one). First, YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYONE and second, RUN WHILE YOU CAN, ok, ok, I am still learning this one; it’s that Robin Hood thing again). Too Bad Guys don’t come with a Product Warning!



WARNING:  Getting involved in a relationship with me will lead to the loss of your self-esteem, a broken heart, your time and confidence.  Prolonged involvement may result in the loss of sleep, hair, focus, friends and YOU). Please consult with your spiritual advisor, my ex-girlfriend and God before use.

---Lioness in Training

The Price of Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

                                                      
At the impressionable age of 15, my dad died unexpectedly, forever altering the course of life.  My whole world was turned upside down and everything I knew to be true changed forever.  The one man that I knew I could count on to be there for me was gone suddenly, without warning, forever!  I embarked upon a journey that would leave me searching and looking for love in all the wrong places, trying to fill a void that couldn’t be filled.  It took 9 years for me to recognize the futility of my quest, but by then the damage had already been done.  The costs were monumental; akin to a beyond maxed out credit card. The search cost me many things, heartache, disappointment, focus, passion and sadly the loss of myself. 

In the past nine years I have experienced more anguish and frustration than I can recollect, some much too painful to believe.  I put all my hopes, dreams and expectations in my relationships which eventually ended up being too much for anyone to handle.  I was measuring my “Boy” friends by a yardstick fashioned by a Man. This of course was a recipe for disaster, because after all, just like “Beyonce” says “You’re just a Boy!”  And of course when they fell short, I and moved on to the next relationship searching for my Daddy.  Blaming them for their weaknesses and shortcomings and their failure to live up to my expectation of what I felt a man was suppose to be.  So here I am nine years later , desperate to heal the gaping wound that was my heart, finally determined to deal with my Father’s death as well as the other garbage I have collected , left by the “boys” I willingly gave my heart to.

I have been advised on numerous occasions to “keep my eyes on the prize”; I never took it to heart, since I was always that overachiever, focused and very goal oriented.  One day I looked up and realized that I was 24 years old, unfocused, uncertain, unaccomplished and wondering what I really wanted to do and who the hell I was??  Of all the things that I have lost on this journey, I recognize that the one I regret the most is “Me.”  When I look at myself in the mirror, I have come to realize that sometimes I don’t know that person looking back.  It has taken me nine years to really look at myself and tell the truth.  The Bible says. “The truth will set you free!”  Well God I am counting on that.  For the first time in my life I am willing to face my fears, look myself in the eye and love me. Flaws, faults, frailties and insecurities included!  My true journey begins now, the journey to mend my broken heart, restore my broken dreams and learn who I truly am. The bible also says that “Love is the greatest thing of all”.  That gives me hope, perhaps   Love , that thing that I have made compromises for, searched for,  is not as far away as I have led myself to believe.

--Lioness in Waiting