Monday, June 13, 2011

The Price of Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

At the impressionable age of 15, my dad died unexpectedly, forever altering the course of life.  My whole world was turned upside down and everything I knew to be true changed forever.  The one man that I knew I could count on to be there for me was gone suddenly, without warning, forever!  I embarked upon a journey that would leave me searching and looking for love in all the wrong places, trying to fill a void that couldn’t be filled.  It took 9 years for me to recognize the futility of my quest, but by then the damage had already been done.  The costs were monumental; akin to a beyond maxed out credit card. The search cost me many things, heartache, disappointment, focus, passion and sadly the loss of myself. 

In the past nine years I have experienced more anguish and frustration than I can recollect, some much too painful to believe.  I put all my hopes, dreams and expectations in my relationships which eventually ended up being too much for anyone to handle.  I was measuring my “Boy” friends by a yardstick fashioned by a Man. This of course was a recipe for disaster, because after all, just like “Beyonce” says “You’re just a Boy!”  And of course when they fell short, I and moved on to the next relationship searching for my Daddy.  Blaming them for their weaknesses and shortcomings and their failure to live up to my expectation of what I felt a man was suppose to be.  So here I am nine years later , desperate to heal the gaping wound that was my heart, finally determined to deal with my Father’s death as well as the other garbage I have collected , left by the “boys” I willingly gave my heart to.

I have been advised on numerous occasions to “keep my eyes on the prize”; I never took it to heart, since I was always that overachiever, focused and very goal oriented.  One day I looked up and realized that I was 24 years old, unfocused, uncertain, unaccomplished and wondering what I really wanted to do and who the hell I was??  Of all the things that I have lost on this journey, I recognize that the one I regret the most is “Me.”  When I look at myself in the mirror, I have come to realize that sometimes I don’t know that person looking back.  It has taken me nine years to really look at myself and tell the truth.  The Bible says. “The truth will set you free!”  Well God I am counting on that.  For the first time in my life I am willing to face my fears, look myself in the eye and love me. Flaws, faults, frailties and insecurities included!  My true journey begins now, the journey to mend my broken heart, restore my broken dreams and learn who I truly am. The bible also says that “Love is the greatest thing of all”.  That gives me hope, perhaps   Love , that thing that I have made compromises for, searched for,  is not as far away as I have led myself to believe.

--Lioness in Waiting

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